Let Me Just Say... That's Enough Now.

That's enough now. No more. I can't do it and I can't stand it. Please, just stop. Your words are like splinters of glass, shattering my skin, taking a piece of my confidence with you everytime you open your mouth. It has been like this for far too long.

I am starting to die insided. I'm starting to fade. I'm starting to cry. I'm starting to feel weak. I'm starting to lose faith and stop believing. I'm starting to give up. All over again.

I swore I wouldn't go back to that place. I wouldn't walk to the darkness where the shades are drawn and no ray of sun dares shine through. I thought I had moved beyond it. Buried it. Deep. Deep within the walls of my soul never to re-appear. I thought it was lost. Gone forever.

But lately, I've started to visit it again. Started to feel like it is the only answer. The only option. The only choice. I need to believe in something good again. Surely it has to be better than it is now? Please, I don't want to go back there. I took so long to crawl out of that place the last time it left scars on my soul.

Your words, they hurt. They cause me a deep pain no person should ever feel. I know I've failed you. I know it. Don't think that I don't. I'm not that stupid. I was educated at a university level, don't forget. Though, how could you? That's yet another thing you like to remind me of. I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am that I paid for those 4 years, that $20 000 myself. God knows you'd hang that over my head if you could. I'm forever grateful that you can't, though you sure do try.

There is a blackness in my soul. It matches the place I dwell in when the light disappears. The place I see at night as I stare pointlessly at the ceiling questioning why and how and not having the answers. The blackness, it is back. It is back more and more the past few weeks. I don't like it. I'd moved beyond it. Forgotten about it. Pushed it out of reach. I liked where it was. I don't like where it is now.

I'm sorry I failed you, know that I am. I never wanted you to live vicariously through me. It was you who pushed that upon me. I didn't ask for it. I don't know that any child would. But please know that I know. I know I disappoint you. I know I didn't amount to all you hoped I would. I know I never lived out your dreams. God knows I'm not even living out mine. I know I upset you. I know I make you question my failings. I know you are disappointed with all that I've become and more importantly, with what I haven't. I know. I know. I know.

Flaws are what make us human. If we were all the same, all perfect, how boring would that be? I never aspired to be perfect. Never dared to dream it. Never wanted to be that way. I never put myself up on that pedastal. You did.

So, please. That's enough now.

Let Me Just Say... Sometimes You Need To Take A Breath.

A big, huge, deep breath. A sigh, if you will. It'll make you feel better. Breathe in. Breathe out. Lungs fill. Lungs release.

Aaannnndddd.... ssiiiiiggggghhhhh....

For whatever reason, it needs to be done. You've got a bill that won't be paid in time. You're out of cash and your car needs gas. You just filled your cereal bowl only to find there's no milk left. You run for the train only to see it pulling away from the platform. You get to a certain point in your life and question what you've amounted to. Or what you haven't.

And you sigh.

The realisation, for the most part, isn't sudden. It doesn't really come as a suprise. You've seen it building up. Watched it progress ever so slowly, to the point that it's at today and you realise that it hasn't gone away on it's own, as much as you wanted it to. As much as you thought it was going to. As much as you hoped it would.

Deep breath in. Big sigh out.

Life; it sure is a funny thing, isn't it? All the plans we thought we'd make. All the ideas and dreams we had suddenly fall horribly short on all the hope we'd pinned them to. Then you begin to question if there's anything that can be done - Is it too late? Should I bother? What's the point?

That's not the attitude you need to have. You've come too far now to throw in the towel. So your back's against the rope. Who cares? Push yourself off it and spring yourself forward and throw a left hook here and a right hook there. So you fell to the floor and you're hurting. Stand up kid, and dust yourself off. There's more to life than what you've been wasting your years doing. So you've been pushed to the limit and your down on your knees. Don't you realise your in the perfect position to pray?

So do it. Be daring. Stop dreaming. Start working. Start... believing!

Don't quit yet. You've still got some good years left in you. You can't have come all this way for nothing, simply to throw your arms up in the air, turn your head, and go back in the direction you came. If no one ever took a chance, no one would've ever fulfilled a dream. Don't be like them. Take the path less travelled. You'll be thankful once you get to the end of your journey, wherever and whenever that will be.

Be more. Be bold. Be everything. Be you. Believe.

Change your thoughts and you'll change your world. All the while, don't forget to breathe!

Let Me Just Say... I Miss the Beach.

I do, I really, really do!

Who knew, that growing up in Australia I had become so spoilt. I had what can only be described as some of the best beaches around (if not, the WORLD'S BEST!) at my fingertips day after day, summer weekend after summer weekend.

And now, here I sit in a Canadian winter as the snow falls ever so softly onto the waiting grass below. Don't get me wrong, I just LOVE the four seasons. That's why I moved to the northern hemisphere. Call me crazy! I never missed a White Christmas until I experienced one and now the BBQ filled summer one's seemed lost on me. I never knew what it was like to see the leaves change colours to vibrantly daring red's, yellows and oranges. The leaves never made it to the ground in such a manner that they needed to be raked. I grew up with constant evergreens. If the trees were green in summer, they were green in winter.

But as winter is precisely halfway through it's season, I now see why so many Canadians and Americans relish their beloved 'Spring Break'. It's a chance to get away and enjoy some sunshine, some poolside drinks, some beachside lounging... some absolute nothingness!

I grew up with golden beaches, crashing ocean waves, beach cricket... and jellyfish stings (it's not all glamour folks!)... and man, do I miss it! I used to love summer as a kid, but then growing up in the city I lived in, summer was all we got. If we were lucky, sometimes we saw spring and got to experience TWO seasons. 'Winter' as I knew it was a cold 20 degree day - that's 70F for my American readers. Imagine California, just... Down Under! Now that I'm back on top, my winter days actually feel like winter. This past week alone I've experienced rain, snow, wind and mild flurries where the temperature has ranged from 5C to -19C then back to 3C (40F to 2F to 34F). Right now, it's currently a wonderful Canadian -14C (6F). It is quite the change from the tropical climate I knew as a child.

It is true what they say - 'You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone'.

Here's my beloved Noosa Beach on the Sunshine Coast...

But I digress. Back to my winter daydreaming...

As I sit here dreaming of my beloved golden beaches (one of the few things I miss about my native Australia), I find myself googling getaway packages to places like Cuba, Costa Rica, Jamaica and the Domenican Republic. Places I, a seasoned traveller, couldn't even point to on a map! But my, how I'd love to visit... even if it is for an all inclusive 7 days.

For a mere $1000 I can disappear for a week and sit by the kabana wasting my day away. I'd make my fingers go all prune like as I float in the pool. I'd work on my cancer inducing tan on the white sandy beaches. I'd have more time to read all the books I've got stacking up in my bedroom which I buy on self promises of 'I hope to read those soon' thoughts. I'd relax poolside ordering all inclusive drinks. Now, I don't drink a lot of alcohol - a beer here and there, a Pina Colada in Mexico - but even I'd take advantage of that! Oh, and not only do you get all of that pleasing R&R... they even have the audacity to throw in your Flight AND all three daily meals ontop of your accomodation. I mean, for not even $200 a day, why shouldn't I book?

Be honest, would you turn down a place that looked like this?....

As if to tease me and hit that 'purchase now' button, Zac Brown Band's song 'Toes' has come on the radio as I type this blog post... 'I got my toes in the water, ass in the sand, not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand. Life is good today... life is good today!'. Well, it sure is tempting. I just might bring his advice to life!

No wonder so many 'snow birds' fly south for the winter!

Let Me Just Say... Travelling Is Hard.

Especially when you're out there on your own.

A friend of mine that I got to know in the few months before I left Australia recently jetted out on her own journey in the hopes of seeing the big wide world - in particular, the Grand 'ol US of A - and is finding it a little more difficult than she had hoped.

I know she has the strength within her to make her dreams a reality and to stick with it, but it's not as easy as it seems. She's the same age as I was when I first left home to travel the world - the elusive 21. When anything you dare to dream could possibly happen, and if you're willing and able, it's very likely you might just see it all become a reality.

But then, once it does, is it what you hoped it'd be?

Travelling has changed me. This much I know. I'm quite glad I never settled down and married at 25 as some of my friends did. The person I was then compared to the one I am now, is very different. I used to plan things out - everything - down to a tee. My first trip overseas was planned to the day. To the DAY! If you asked me where I was going to be on a particular day in my 11 months overseas, I could've told you. I knew exactly what hostels, cities and sights I'd be taking in. That is the first and last trip I ever planned so completely.

I'm much more relaxed and easy going these days. I've opened my eyes, I've allowed people in, I've experienced new cultures. I've realised that the small stuff isn't really worth sweating. I've learnt that if you're walking around breathing, you're having a good day, so please, don't be complaining. Least of all to me. I've learnt that deep breaths help you see clearer. I've also learnt that no one leaves here alive, so there's no point in worrying about the things you cannot change nor have any control over.

My friend, she appears to be struggling. I don't speak with her as often as I'd like and I know I'm to blame for that one. How can I call someone a friend when little effort is made on my end - a reassuring sentence or two on a status update hardly seems to cut the mustard of true friendship, no? But yesterday, as I read her blog post, I took the time to write her the following reply.

It's not just for her, it's for all the travellers out there. All the one's who dared to dream and spread their wings in the hopes that they'd fly. It's for all the ones who are struggling and finding that sometimes life, it's just not really what you thought it'd be like.

You can read her blog post here - http://twentysomethingtwentyeverything.wordpress.com/author/twentysomethingtwentyeverything/ - and I hope you do because I find her reading very relatable and extremely interesting.

You can read my response here. I'm sure it resonates than just this one traveller friend of mine -

There is something so deep we learn about ourselves as we take that step into the great unknown. What we thought we knew, understood or even accepted as fact before, are quite quickly, proven different.

What we had come to accept as part of our beings - our strengths and our weaknesses - becoming merely a stepping stone and a learning experience. We are taught patience, understanding, acceptance. We are taught to open our eyes, appreciate new cultures and most importantly, we are taught to breathe deeply. All the while with an aching in our hearts as we know that what we thought we weren't going to miss and were ready to leave behind, suddenly come to the surface and we realise all too quickly, we may have gotten ourselves in for more than we bargained for.

Sometimes in life, the thing we had been hoping for and waiting for and dreaming of suddenly arrives... and we learn it's not at all like what we expected or wanted. It is then we truly appreciate what we had and silently promise to never take it for granted again.

'Careful what you wish for, you may regret it. Careful what you wish for... you just might get it'.

As the days pass, it gets easier. But travelling, being away from home, from loved ones, from common comforts - it's really not for everyone. You will learn more about yourself in your time alone, your time overseas, than you ever thought, imagined, or even hoped you could. I find that technology nowadays makes things so much easier. Skype for example, makes it seem like the person is only 12 blocks away, not 12000 kilometres. Granted, there is something about the human touch that makes the connection all that more special.

When the days are tough - and they will be, remember one thing. When the mountain is too steep to climb - and it will be, remember one thing. When the rain is falling and the fog is affecting your view - and it will, remember one thing. When your eyes are closed and your heart is aching - and it will, remember one thing... if it all comes to much too bare, home is only a plane ride away.

Until then, my advice to you is what it has been from the week before you left... 'A ship in a harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for'.

May you open your eyes, expand your heart, take that leap and be willing to learn more about yourself than you ever dreamed possible.

Deep breaths.